I think people ought to be more honest about the way they feel, rather than subscribing to the closest categorical identity that they feel equates with them perfectly.
Today, I am going to discuss sexuality.
In this world, there are gay, bisexual, heterosexual, transgender people-and more! But sometimes I wonder, how concrete are these identities for everyone truly?
I’m not saying that deep down everyone is gay, or that within every gay person there is a crying urge for the opposite sex. What I am saying, is that not everything is so clear cut. The world is grey, and when we act like its black or white it can actually create a lot of problems for some people.
By no means am I suggesting that anyone should not identify as gay if that’s what they feel comfortable with, or any other sexual or gender identity. It would just be nice if you didn’t go around declaring your certainty about it, as if you know yourself completely, because it makes others who are still questioning, and have been for a long time, feel isolated and even more unsure of who they are. There is nothing wrong with asking questions, or uncertainty. It’s part of living.
Ever since I was about nine or ten, I’ve been questioning my sexuality. I have never been able to come to a solid conclusion as to how I should identify, and consequently been afraid to share with anyone, my feelings. My biggest fear is that I’ll settle on an identity, tell people, and then turn around later and be like “oh whoops, my mistake! I was wrong!”
The last thing I want to do is wear a label that others have worked so hard to feel comfortable with, and not actually ‘be’ an accurate representation of that label. I don’t like to hurt people, or offend. In fact, sometimes I do offend, and oftentimes I’ll feel guilty and regretful about my actions.
Maybe I’m not being too clear, but I guess what I’m trying to convey here is that if there are people out there like me who are consistently up in the air about what they’re into, then there sure as hell is a big chance that all the others who are ‘so sure’ about their sexuality, at least question themselves a little bit. I’m willing to bet that even the straightest stick in the stack has had ‘gay thoughts’ at least once, whether it was conscious fantasising or a random unexplainable dream. Of course, it doesn’t mean that someone is gay, or even bi, but it is an expression of some level of uncertainty, which is human.
It is not my intention to try and convince people to be sexually or gender fluid in any way. You be you. Be the you that you are comfortable being. Just please, be comfortable with the feelings or thoughts that might find their way into your mind and body from time to time, and avoid attaching much meaning to it.
For me, an ideal world would be a place where everyone could be with who they want, and not have to justify who or what they are. It would be nice if that just didn’t matter.
What saddens me more, is that a community that I fully support with all my heart, to some extent is behaving in a way similar to the supposed prejudiced opposition that for years brought them down. I’m talking about the LGBTQI+ community. No, not everyone in that community is at fault here, but there are some who have a habit of invalidating the “B” part of the equation, and urging people to ‘figure themselves out’. Stop. We all do things in our own time. Just because you are out and proud, and happy to flaunt your sexuality openly, it doesn’t mean everyone is like that.
I’m sick of trying to figure out where I fit, and feeling like I need to put a label on myself. I’m Carla, and I mostly fantasise about women and watch same-sex romance compilations on YouTube. I have a big crush on Tom Hiddleston, and adore the character Poussey from ‘Orange is the new Black’. I love emotional connections, and have little interest in sleeping around. I am attracted to whoever sparks my fancy; whoever I connect with. I just like people, and don’t mind who I end up with as long as I love them for all they are, and they me.
I know what you are thinking; “but you’re pansexual!”
No, coming to that conclusion for me is unhelpful and totally goes against the whole point of this post. Screw being certain. Screw settling on a label. I’m Carla, and that’s that.